Tangled Skein

I've been having an odd month. After four years at the same retail job, I've run out of steam - customer service was not designed with the introverted in mind. My husband and I are adjusting to the (surprisingly) different rhythms of being married - every decision suddenly carries more weight, because it's now viewed through the scope of an entire future together. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, with the result that we've decided to move, without knowing where. Our lease is up in a month and a half and we've already started packing boxes, with no concrete destination in sight. I excel at this type of blind leap - it's how I ended up in Los Angeles after college, and in Portland, Oregon a few years later. But it's different now. I have another person's life tied up with mine. If I make a wrong step, I'm taking the person I love most down with me. 

This is a roundabout way of saying that I'm confused, and tired, and all my yarn is packed up in boxes where I can't get at it. I kept my sock yarn aside, but I can't seem to find the desire to cast on. As each day comes to an end, I just want to curl up and hibernate so my brain can recover from another day of demanding customers. 

I'm truly hoping that once I leave my job (on a date fast, fast approaching!) my brain will have a chance to recover some flexibility and creativity. Once I leave Washington, a city that equates career with happiness, I see an even better chance. I don't know where we're going, but I hope it will be quieter, kinder, and more beautiful.

I just binge-read Luisa Weiss's lovely memoir My Berlin Kitchen.  I was surprised by how much her emotional struggles, and search for identity, moved me. She writes of trying to reconcile her European and American sides, and of giving up what she thought would bring her happiness to take a chance on the real thing. I find myself in a similar predicament - I'm working a job with people I mostly like, earning a (mostly) living wage, living in a perfectly nice (if too small by half) apartment in a cultural touchstone of a city - but it's not enough. I want something so different, but I don't know what it is! In some ways it seems foolish to give up what I have in search of a mysterious "something" but I'm finding it impossible to ignore the urge. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I still have to believe that there's something more out there waiting! Against all odds I found love in this ridiculous modern world. I thought that was the key to happiness, and it's certainly part of it - but now I need meaning. 

 I would say "stick with me", but I don't think there's anyone reading this! So stick with me, imaginary friend! I'm going to pull this thread and see what unravels.