Ten Worst Movies

My husband started to read me an internet compilation of the ten worst movies ever made. It went, in predictable order, "The Room, Troll 2, Birdemic…" 

I had to stop him. Not only is that list cliched at this point, but I vehemently disagree with it! I mean, no one who's ever watched that glorious trio would ever argue that they're not empirically, emphatically, ridiculously terrible in every way. Incompetently made, terribly acted, unintentionally hilarious… but never boring! Those movies have brought more joy to a greater audience than the filmmakers could ever have imagined. Beyond that, they've inspired love, and even more incredibly, creativity. My overwhelming thought upon leaving my first screening of Birdemic was, "My god! I could do that so much better!" I went right home and started mapping out my own disaster screenplay, knowing that with my home camcorder I could easily surpass James Nyugen.

Except, of course, I didn't. Most of us don't actually have the drive, the force of will, or the delusional belief in our own genius that leads to the auteur's creation. James Nyugen and Tommy Wiseau are more impressive than we give them credit for.

So, that being said, my definition of "worst movie" involves many things: being boring, being derivative, being sappy or manipulative, on top of the regular crimes of bad acting and production. I find mediocrity worse than terribleness, which at least is interesting!

These aren't in any particular order, except for #1, which I really, really think might be the worst. Although it gets VERY strong competition from #10.

1. Down to You

This stars Freddie Prinze Jr. It's deep because after he tries to commit suicide by drinking shampoo, he has a conversation with a spider. 

2. Simply Irresistible

It tries to do magic realism and… oh, it fails. A magical crab makes Sarah Michelle Gellar float.

3. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I really hate this movie. Racism aside (and how can you put it aside???) it's the original Manic Pixie Dream Girl story - the fascinating, lively dream girl is so original that she names her cat Cat! Wacky fun! SPARE ME. I think this one offends me the most because it is so beloved and so, so mediocre.

4. Bio-Dome

I admit that I just don't think Pauly Shore is funny. Also, my only viewing of this was on a bus stuck in traffic with my Amnesty International group somewhere between New York and Boston - not an ideal way to watch a new movie. Nevertheless, I feel confident in saying this movie sucks.

5. Yankee Doodle Dandy

Watching James Cagney prance around like a little pony is an experience I didn't need in life. 

6. Carefree

By far the worst Fred and Ginger movie of their ten, I find this pretty much unwatchable. The storyline is atrocious and offensive, but worse even than this - the dancing isn't great! The famous slow-motion dance scene manages to make Fred Astaire look ungainly. What a failure.

7. Vampires

I've already complained about this movie, my least favorite John Carpenter. My friend Randall made us watch it in college. I can barely stomach James Woods after this atrocity! Terrible effects, mean-spirited, boring.

8. Love, Actually
Pardon me for attacking sacred cows, but ugh, this movie! From the saccharine opening scene manipulating our heartstrings by evoking 9/11 to the creepy lack of autonomy demonstrated by almost every female character, this movie drives me nuts! There seems to have been a backlash in the last few years, which I appreciate. This movie did not age well.

9. Chicago
Best picture??? BEST picture??? This movie had one thing going for it: Catherine Zeta Jones's enthusiastic performance. It's always a joy to see a musical theater star get to show off their stuff on the big screen. Everything else was blah. I can barely accept that this movie beat out LOTR: The Two Towers, the weakest of the trilogy - but that it beat it for SET DESIGN as well??? And that it won best picture over Gangs of New York - a mess, but a mess with more creativity and artistry than Chicago could dream of - or The Hours? No.

10. HEARTBEEPS

This movie pollutes the air with its craziness.